So...
This is our 4th snow day this month! And, my kids are starting to drive me bonkers! I'll be honest - they're not starting to drive me bonkers - I'm so there!
What is it about a few (quite a few) inches of snow, no school, cold weather & an upheaval in schedule that makes kids go totally nuts?!?! It's like they get up searching for my one last nerve & then treat it like a trampoline!
Oh, sigh...
I cannot believe what a failure I feel like on these days! I have grand ideas of being Martha Stewart on these days. You know, whipping out arts & crafts, letting them help me bake something magical, smiling at their "cute" messes & cherishing every moment while they're still at home. Aaaaaahhhhhhhhh! I cannot make myself slow down & relax! I KNOW that I will miss these days terribly, because I ALREADY have guilt about all the missed memories of their early childhood. I remember little of those early days. They are a blur of poopy diapers, messes, exhaustion, guilt, confusion, anxiety over my choices. I had an overwhelming sense of failing and an underwhelming sense of motherhood! Maybe I still do...
I know I'm a Mother. But I feel like a short-order cook, maid, taxi driver, personal shopper, teacher, principal, referee, coach, warden.
I feel like I'm taunting motherhood to slow down. "I'll slow down & enjoy you if you slow down so I can catch up!" It's been a whirlwind since they all came - all 3 within 3 years! (BTW, if I had a do-over I might use it on that! ;-J) For the record, she's not listening! If anything, she's moving faster. As the kids get older each day seems to spin a little faster and leave me with a little more guilt. That I failed. That I'm missing "moments". That I'm not doing all I could. That I didn't cuddle enough.
It's a vicious cycle. I feel guilty for being "checked out" on my kids, they in turn get on my nerves, I in turn respond out of more guilt & regret that I'm not the Super Woman Mother of all Time!, they come back with more energy (which is how they'll beat me eventually!) which breeds messes, I get lost in mental turmoil of trying to find a way out of myself to "BE" for them...
Sometimes I cannot see the beauty of what/who they ARE RIGHT NOW. All I can see is my regret over who I thought I SHOULD HAVE BEEN for them. While missing out on what I should & could be doing right now. Sad...
I guess I've had a lot of time to reflect on this with 4 snow days in the last 7 school days!
I'm slowly seeing some light at the end of my self-made tunnel. The more I talk, the more I write, the more I see... The more chances I have to change! As with everything, when the Universe makes you aware of something it also brings up plentiful opportunities to use that new knowledge to change yourself! Or, as Dr. Phil says, you cannot change what you don't acknowledge.
I'm acknowledging it! (Hello. I'm Hillary. And I'm missing moments because I have guilt over missing moments. I'm missing bonding over guilt for missing bonding.)
I'm hoping by acknowledging it I can be aware of it on more than one level. With this blog I release little neurons in my subconscious to heal my psyche from past wounds, from past guilt, from past failures.
*sigh*
I wonder what more snow days will bring...
