We've all got a story to tell.
Why not be the loudest voice in your own story?
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Bandaids, Deep Wounds and Healing Myself
A wise woman recently said this to me in a magnificent conversation we had: "When you honestly, completely deal with your own shit, it forces people around you to deal with you differently, and, sometimes, it forces them to deal with their own shit." (I know I slightly paraphrased, R! ;P) This woman is a friend, my Homeopathic Physician and someone I appreciate and look up to a great deal. And I adore that we sit in her office every month during my "therapy sessions" and say 'shit' and 'fuck' and still manage to cover more emotional, mental and historical ground than I ever could have on my own. She helped me guide myself out of the darkness I was in last summer (2012). I had hit a wall in my healing process, my body was exhausted, my mind completely spent and my emotions - well, I believe they had broken the thread they were hanging by. I was completely overwhelmed, and suddenly found myself spiraling into suicidal thoughts, a familiar pattern for me, but surprising nonetheless as I felt I had come so far and healed so much in the years since the last time these thoughts had circled like vultures, waiting for me to break, to fall, to give up. Waiting for me to focus on all the bad, what I have been through, how hard some was (and still is) to deal with - instead of focusing on how much I have survived, how strong my instinct is to heal myself, how far I have come to get to where I am and how much I long to find a place of peace and rest. (Hint: the place of peace and rest isn't a destination. It is within each of us and needs only to be acknowledged and leaned into. It has nothing to do with anything happening outside of us or inside of us. Like happiness, peace and rest (just being) is a choice we can make regardless of what is happening in our lives. It is a state of mind, a state of being, a conscious choice. I find peace amidst chaos by finding quietness - a quiet place in myself where I say only positive things to myself (often about myself), where I find calm, relaxation among tense moments. I can go here anytime, anywhere. And, with practice, I often curl up in this place in my mind while facing difficult people or scenarios.)
In an effort to be completely honest, here is a brief history of what I was/am healing from:
A childhood (aren't we all? ha ha!)
Mine was fairly normal for the first 12 years or so. And then the cult happened. (<--- This statement in no way is meant to be disparaging of my parents. I understand (as a parent) that we all do the best we can with the tools we have. Regardless of good intentions, I have deep scars and some open wounds left from my childhood - pre, during and post cult days.)
A teenage marriage and teenage parenthood
Mostly thanks to the cult and religious teachings that allotted really no other alternatives for girls in terms of education, higher learning, careers. As I was the oldest girl in a large family, I spent a majority of my childhood parenting my younger siblings. Then became a parent myself at 18. Once out of my parents home, I was finding it so difficult to navigate how I was feeling, what I believed and how I was now supposed to live. Then 3 back-to-back pregnancies. It was too much. I was mentally, physically and emotionally depleted and completely exhausted.
A marriage gone bad
After 7 years of fumbling our way through, we had both mucked it up pretty good. There was an affair and a divorce and so many choices to make. I am unabashedly proud of the way I handled everything and the choices I made to not be bitter, to choose to see my responsibility in the dissolution of our relationship, to choose the pain and looking at the ugly over any kind of bandaid, 'quick fix' or the angry way out. I know beyond a doubt that it is the only reason I am what I am right now. Although I so wish these lessons could have been learned any other way, I can look back and see that the raw pain I felt forced me to deal with myself differently than anything softer would have. I grew, changed and was redone in ways that nothing less painful would have achieved.
A remarriage
Yeah. That happened. Long journey, long story.
A parenting journey that has been riddled with guilt
Spending years stuck in patterns that I never wanted to repeat but didn't know how to get out of. But, knowing there was a better way out there was enough to lead to immense guilt at the way I would respond, punish and, in all honesty, lose my shit on a regular basis. And that better way that was "out there"? Yeah. It was within me all along. I just needed to tap into myself and listen to my instincts. And listen to my babies. And trust myself. And trust my babies. And stop all the mental noise ("But, if I don't spank them they'll be BRATS!!!!" "But, if they aren't conditioned to obey (albeit, out of fear) who knows what will happen to them?!"), and just be. . . and listen. And trust. And hug. And hold. And love. And accept. And empower. And hear. And respect.
Ah. The years I spent trying to manufacture parenting in myself, instead of just trusting myself and being the parent I felt inside. It still brings tears.
But, now I know.
I journey forward in hope. Without fear of seeing myself as I really am. With awareness. Made better by what was, and knowing what will be - if I am brave enough to let it happen.
(Last summer also brought the conclusion of an unfortunate situation with a family member that was unavoidable, stressful, frustrating and nearly outside of my control. As a soul that really tries to avoid confrontation, it was nearly crippling to have family members, some people I considered friends and complete strangers approaching me about a private matter and then proceed to tell me it was all my fault and I needed to fix it. And how, if I just groveled and took sole responsibility for someone else and their actions, I could still restore "family relations" and "harmony". I felt such weight on my shoulders. I could be authentic in myself and to what I knew to be the truth of the situation (which looked like it would divide the family - but only if they were so immature as to let it), or I could fake my way back into a "relationship" with someone that was completely untrustworthy and hope that my groveling would be enough to restore what they had broken. I chose the truth. I chose to stand in my own power and not feel responsible for what other people would say, do or feel.)
I spent years putting bandaids on my wounds. Not knowing how to heal them. Not having energy to face them. But life has a way of bringing situations to you that force you to look at what is under the bandaids. If you can't change yourself, who can? If you won't heal yourself, who will?
As my bandaids were forcibly removed by circumstances largely out of my control, I tried to manage and juggle so many things coming to a head all at once. A very wise sister of mine told me to be proud of what I was going through. She said if all of this was coming up it must mean that I was at a place in my life of being able to deal with it. It had been lying under the surface, waiting to be dealt with, awaiting healing. Now I was ready. Now I was finally at a stable place to be able to face them. Again. In a healthy way. As a stronger person.
Last summer, as I started facing myself in a whole new way, things started coming into my life. People started coming into my life. Things and people that scared me. People, bringing opportunities with them that I could not say 'no' to. Situations that I feel compelled to embrace. I am finding that the more I say 'yes' to healing, the more of myself I am not afraid to face, the more opportunities I am presented with to grow and learn from. Here is a secret: I am so unbelievably terrified and yet strangely excited by all of these scenarios. I look at them and see ways that I will be stretched and taken out of my comfort zone, but ways that my life can be enriched and filled, beyond anything I ever thought possible. Beyond anything I could have ever done as a broken, fearful, wounded soul that was still so stuck in my head.
When we say 'yes' to healing and growing and all the scary stuff that we may have to face in that, life brings us really cool shit! When we deal with our shit, when we stand in our power, people and circumstances we never imagined start to trickle in to fill that space. The space that was previously full of decay can be healed and filled with new life. The space that was cluttered with wounds and scars can be mended and filled with beauty.
I don't know how to describe what is happening. I find myself laughing when my inbox is full of messages from people searching for their own healing, on one level or another. Or requests for me to participate in something. Meet with someone and discuss viewpoints. Speak in a class. My first thought is "Why? Who the hell am I? Sure I can come sit in your class, but you have nothing to learn from me. Seriously." And then this quiet voice inside of me (most likely from my inner place of peace) says, "If not you, then who? Why not you?" Usually the only answer I have is 'because it scares me'. Well, life can be scary. Am I going to hide away or embrace what comes in?
To sum up all of my ramblings here, a story.
When I was a child there was a situation that happened that caused deep trauma, distrust of those I was supposed to be able to trust implicitly, fear and so, so many questions. It has touched so many areas of my life on nearly every level. It was a defining moment in my life. It changed me. It continues to. It was buried and ignored for many years, out of necessity. But it was never far from my thoughts and I was aware of how it shaped my behaviours. I started picking away at the layers some years ago. Determined to face it, acknowledge it, pull it open and then heal it. I had known for a long time that I would be facing this one on my own, feeling unable to confront those responsible and seek closure. I'd made remarkable progress in facing it and had developed a small crew of loved ones who challenged me, comforted me and encouraged me to continue looking at it, even though painful. Always there to hold my hand, wipe my tears, not flinch away from my anger. To these people I will forever be grateful.
Recently one of the people involved approached me. (And I am sorry to be so vague here. A day will come I am sure when I will disclose all, but not today. Not now.) This person, for the first time ever, spoke openly to me about the situation. Offered an apology for their part in it. And spoke very honestly about the details. Allowing full disclosure and the first opportunity for me to speak about it in 20 years.
I was blown away and amazed!
And then I felt very curious. Why do things work like this? To some, it would seem that this apology was 20 years too late. To me, it felt like absolute perfect timing. I don't know that I would have been ready for it any earlier. The wound was still so raw, and covered with so many bandaids. I think if it had come any earlier I would have had only been able to respond with anger.
Closure came when I knew I could heal myself and go on without it.
When we are ready, life has a way of bringing us exactly what we need. Not a moment before. Always perfection. Even if what we need is an awareness that we don't need anything at all. That we have the ability to heal ourselves and that, within us, lies all of our answers, all that we seek, all the wholeness that we desire.
So, dear reader. Be honest. Be brave. Acknowledge your wounds. Be prepared and willing to remove bandaids and peer into your own depths. And know, beyond anything, that you have the ability to heal yourself. To be well. To be whole.
Then watch for the unimaginable ways that life will use you and your story.
"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." ~ Unknown
In an effort to be completely honest, here is a brief history of what I was/am healing from:
A childhood (aren't we all? ha ha!)
Mine was fairly normal for the first 12 years or so. And then the cult happened. (<--- This statement in no way is meant to be disparaging of my parents. I understand (as a parent) that we all do the best we can with the tools we have. Regardless of good intentions, I have deep scars and some open wounds left from my childhood - pre, during and post cult days.)
A teenage marriage and teenage parenthood
Mostly thanks to the cult and religious teachings that allotted really no other alternatives for girls in terms of education, higher learning, careers. As I was the oldest girl in a large family, I spent a majority of my childhood parenting my younger siblings. Then became a parent myself at 18. Once out of my parents home, I was finding it so difficult to navigate how I was feeling, what I believed and how I was now supposed to live. Then 3 back-to-back pregnancies. It was too much. I was mentally, physically and emotionally depleted and completely exhausted.
A marriage gone bad
After 7 years of fumbling our way through, we had both mucked it up pretty good. There was an affair and a divorce and so many choices to make. I am unabashedly proud of the way I handled everything and the choices I made to not be bitter, to choose to see my responsibility in the dissolution of our relationship, to choose the pain and looking at the ugly over any kind of bandaid, 'quick fix' or the angry way out. I know beyond a doubt that it is the only reason I am what I am right now. Although I so wish these lessons could have been learned any other way, I can look back and see that the raw pain I felt forced me to deal with myself differently than anything softer would have. I grew, changed and was redone in ways that nothing less painful would have achieved.
A remarriage
Yeah. That happened. Long journey, long story.
A parenting journey that has been riddled with guilt
Spending years stuck in patterns that I never wanted to repeat but didn't know how to get out of. But, knowing there was a better way out there was enough to lead to immense guilt at the way I would respond, punish and, in all honesty, lose my shit on a regular basis. And that better way that was "out there"? Yeah. It was within me all along. I just needed to tap into myself and listen to my instincts. And listen to my babies. And trust myself. And trust my babies. And stop all the mental noise ("But, if I don't spank them they'll be BRATS!!!!" "But, if they aren't conditioned to obey (albeit, out of fear) who knows what will happen to them?!"), and just be. . . and listen. And trust. And hug. And hold. And love. And accept. And empower. And hear. And respect.
Ah. The years I spent trying to manufacture parenting in myself, instead of just trusting myself and being the parent I felt inside. It still brings tears.
But, now I know.
I journey forward in hope. Without fear of seeing myself as I really am. With awareness. Made better by what was, and knowing what will be - if I am brave enough to let it happen.
(Last summer also brought the conclusion of an unfortunate situation with a family member that was unavoidable, stressful, frustrating and nearly outside of my control. As a soul that really tries to avoid confrontation, it was nearly crippling to have family members, some people I considered friends and complete strangers approaching me about a private matter and then proceed to tell me it was all my fault and I needed to fix it. And how, if I just groveled and took sole responsibility for someone else and their actions, I could still restore "family relations" and "harmony". I felt such weight on my shoulders. I could be authentic in myself and to what I knew to be the truth of the situation (which looked like it would divide the family - but only if they were so immature as to let it), or I could fake my way back into a "relationship" with someone that was completely untrustworthy and hope that my groveling would be enough to restore what they had broken. I chose the truth. I chose to stand in my own power and not feel responsible for what other people would say, do or feel.)
I spent years putting bandaids on my wounds. Not knowing how to heal them. Not having energy to face them. But life has a way of bringing situations to you that force you to look at what is under the bandaids. If you can't change yourself, who can? If you won't heal yourself, who will?
As my bandaids were forcibly removed by circumstances largely out of my control, I tried to manage and juggle so many things coming to a head all at once. A very wise sister of mine told me to be proud of what I was going through. She said if all of this was coming up it must mean that I was at a place in my life of being able to deal with it. It had been lying under the surface, waiting to be dealt with, awaiting healing. Now I was ready. Now I was finally at a stable place to be able to face them. Again. In a healthy way. As a stronger person.
Last summer, as I started facing myself in a whole new way, things started coming into my life. People started coming into my life. Things and people that scared me. People, bringing opportunities with them that I could not say 'no' to. Situations that I feel compelled to embrace. I am finding that the more I say 'yes' to healing, the more of myself I am not afraid to face, the more opportunities I am presented with to grow and learn from. Here is a secret: I am so unbelievably terrified and yet strangely excited by all of these scenarios. I look at them and see ways that I will be stretched and taken out of my comfort zone, but ways that my life can be enriched and filled, beyond anything I ever thought possible. Beyond anything I could have ever done as a broken, fearful, wounded soul that was still so stuck in my head.
When we say 'yes' to healing and growing and all the scary stuff that we may have to face in that, life brings us really cool shit! When we deal with our shit, when we stand in our power, people and circumstances we never imagined start to trickle in to fill that space. The space that was previously full of decay can be healed and filled with new life. The space that was cluttered with wounds and scars can be mended and filled with beauty.
I don't know how to describe what is happening. I find myself laughing when my inbox is full of messages from people searching for their own healing, on one level or another. Or requests for me to participate in something. Meet with someone and discuss viewpoints. Speak in a class. My first thought is "Why? Who the hell am I? Sure I can come sit in your class, but you have nothing to learn from me. Seriously." And then this quiet voice inside of me (most likely from my inner place of peace) says, "If not you, then who? Why not you?" Usually the only answer I have is 'because it scares me'. Well, life can be scary. Am I going to hide away or embrace what comes in?
To sum up all of my ramblings here, a story.
When I was a child there was a situation that happened that caused deep trauma, distrust of those I was supposed to be able to trust implicitly, fear and so, so many questions. It has touched so many areas of my life on nearly every level. It was a defining moment in my life. It changed me. It continues to. It was buried and ignored for many years, out of necessity. But it was never far from my thoughts and I was aware of how it shaped my behaviours. I started picking away at the layers some years ago. Determined to face it, acknowledge it, pull it open and then heal it. I had known for a long time that I would be facing this one on my own, feeling unable to confront those responsible and seek closure. I'd made remarkable progress in facing it and had developed a small crew of loved ones who challenged me, comforted me and encouraged me to continue looking at it, even though painful. Always there to hold my hand, wipe my tears, not flinch away from my anger. To these people I will forever be grateful.
Recently one of the people involved approached me. (And I am sorry to be so vague here. A day will come I am sure when I will disclose all, but not today. Not now.) This person, for the first time ever, spoke openly to me about the situation. Offered an apology for their part in it. And spoke very honestly about the details. Allowing full disclosure and the first opportunity for me to speak about it in 20 years.
I was blown away and amazed!
And then I felt very curious. Why do things work like this? To some, it would seem that this apology was 20 years too late. To me, it felt like absolute perfect timing. I don't know that I would have been ready for it any earlier. The wound was still so raw, and covered with so many bandaids. I think if it had come any earlier I would have had only been able to respond with anger.
Closure came when I knew I could heal myself and go on without it.
When we are ready, life has a way of bringing us exactly what we need. Not a moment before. Always perfection. Even if what we need is an awareness that we don't need anything at all. That we have the ability to heal ourselves and that, within us, lies all of our answers, all that we seek, all the wholeness that we desire.
So, dear reader. Be honest. Be brave. Acknowledge your wounds. Be prepared and willing to remove bandaids and peer into your own depths. And know, beyond anything, that you have the ability to heal yourself. To be well. To be whole.
Then watch for the unimaginable ways that life will use you and your story.
"The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are." ~ Unknown
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