We are so sex-obsessed in this culture. And it's in all the wrong ways.
Here is a statement for you...
You child's virginity is none of your business.
How about this way?
Your child's virginity is NONE of your business.
I had a woman in my life some years ago who, anytime she was talking about her teenager humans, would make sure to brag that she had gotten all three through high school without incidents of alcohol, drugs or sex. Her attitude toward this whole theory baffled me. I always wondered how she knew that that was 100% accurate, for one thing, and also, why that seemed to be her #1 parenting goal. I hoped that when my humans reached teenagehood that my goals would be different, more centered on their personhood instead of meeting some socially mandated level of proof of morality. The experience with this woman has stayed in my mind for all these years and is tumbling around a lot lately. Maybe it's because mine have reached an age where this has faded from an unfocused event on the horizon to something that could be in sharp focus in their daily reality. A presented option. A suggested encounter. A real life holy-shit-am-I-ready-for-this moment. And I want them to be equipped to handle those moments.
I don't know exactly what that picture will look like when we are there and living it. I am assuming on my end there will be emotional devastation (that I am actually this old), copious amounts of chocolate consumption, leaning on my male counterpoint, propping up my male counterpoint and WHY THE HELL DO I NOT DRINK WINE! ;) What I do know is this -
My children's intact virginity is not a merit badge indicating my worth as a parent. I do not earn some sort of points or reward for "safeguarding" a hymen into "40 Year Old Virgin" territory.
Here is another statement for you...
Your child having a safe place, a non-judgemental, non-opinionated, non-reactionary, soft, fluffy, SAFE place to hear medically accurate, evidenced-based facts, IS your business. Interestingly enough, the only part that you can control begins and ends with you. It is THE only aspect that you can control.
You are responsible for creating that space for them. And it starts long before they experience pressure to be involved in sexual activity. And it starts with the tiniest, littlest everyday events that seem inconsequential, tedious and monotonous. It starts with trust. If you do not trust them, they will never trust you and, what's worse, they will not trust themselves. And themselves is the only constant companion they'll have for their entire lives.
If we shift from being singularly focused on "virginity" and instead broaden that focus to include happiness, safety, consent, maturity, bodily autonomy, ownership - now we've got a good conversation going. Now we've got a focus that will extend and carry them into adulthood and the rest of their lives and not end the conversation when they are no longer "virgins". Sexuality doesn't stop when contact is made between genitals. By focusing on virginity and that alone, we give the message that they are their virginity, and that virginity is innocence; that once it is gone and the choice has been made the conversation ceases and they are on their own. We do them a grave disservice with this mindset. Sexuality, sexual choices, sexual options will be part of all of our lives for as long as we have life. We should be equipping our children with the ability to make conscious choices, that are right for them, for the duration of their lives. Your child, and their morals, should not be an extension of your belief system and moral code. They are their own person.
Your child's virginity, as a singular topic, is none of your business. But your child's life, health, happiness and safety are.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
A Duggar Inspired Post (Didn't think I would ever utter those words.)
I am jumping on the bandwagon and addressing the Duggar sex abuse scandal. It is incredibly timely to the conversations that I've been having lately, almost like a gift from god. *drip drip goes the sarcasm*
These conversations involve dress codes and the shaming message that they direct at girls (specifically). You may agree (or not) that dress codes are damaging, sexist and filled with messages to girls that their bodies are distracting to boys and in need of being policed by someone other than the girl herself... And then you add a 'but'. "Oh yes, I can clearly see that that is the message of dress codes. I agree with you, Hillary. But, there HAS to be some boundaries in place - girls still need to dress appropriately. I mean, I don't like to see these young girls with their butts hanging out of shorts. That is inappropriate."
Nope, nope, nope. You do not get to be the moral police and decide what is appropriate for anyone other than yourself. Period. That's it. Full stop.
Here's why.
If girls dressing according to someone's version of appropriate and modest is the last line of defense against boys/men victimizing them, then WHY IN THE WORLD/HOW IN THE HELL did Josh Duggar even want to molest the innocent victims that he perpetrated against?!?! After all, THEY ARE PERHAPS THE MOST MODESTLY DRESSED GIRLS/WOMEN/CULTURE IN ALL OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know. I can hear your shock and surprise from here. "Hillary, you mean that their godly, modest, appropriate, biblically aligned garments did not stop someone from helping himself to their innocence and abusing them?" THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!
Everyone can and should be free to choose their own wardrobe. Girls can and should be free to choose their own wardrobe. Girls are people, too. And they should be free to do this and not have to live in fear of being called names because of ignorant people's assumptions of what they may or may not do with their genitals solely based on their clothing choices.
I know, I know. I wish for an ideal world that's never going to happen. At least, not as long as religion rules people's logic. But, I can create an ideal world inside of my home for my offspring, and send them out to create ideal worlds wherever they land. So it's not all hopeless.
This is a long one. I appreciate you following along so far. :)
So, to recap:
1. First and foremost, sick perverts will victimize whomever they choose, regardless of what they are wearing. We CANNOT teach our girls that what they wear will assure their safety or victimization. That puts the responsibility of someone's despicable actions onto their innocent shoulders. That's gross and it MUST stop!
2. You do NOT get to police your fellow people's morals. You DO not. You do NOT! Stop it! No!
3. Parents can and absolutely should allow their children to dress themselves.
4. Parents can and absolutely should teach their sons impulse control and how to value girls (specifically, everyone in general) for more than their physical appearance. How do you accomplish this? By modeling it!
5. Parents can and absolutely should teach their daughters to value themselves way above and beyond their physical appearance. If they value themselves, they will automatically be drawn to relationships that place value on more than their physical appearance. They'll be empowered to take ownership of their own bodies and choices.
6. Parents can and absolutely HAVE to teach consent! And starting from a MUCH younger age than everyone thinks. I would venture that consent starts at the very beginning - with circumcision, piercing a tiny human's ears, cutting their hair, doing "to them" and not acknowledging that they are fully conscious and fully whole people. And then later - allowing them to choose their clothing/shoes, hairstyles/colours, when/if they hug someone in greeting. Respecting their autonomy from the very beginning will set them up for a lifetime of being empowered over their own personhood. (By the way, this is not at all how I parented when my offspring were young. It is how I have parented for the last 5 years or so. It is never too late to start fresh. When we know better, we have an obligation to do better - especially for our children.)
The message that the Duggar scandal is sending is one that I am all too familiar with. "God" unconditionally forgives the perpetrator and the victims remain voiceless and hidden, with no consideration afforded for their continued safety, well being and healing. In this christian cult culture, girls don't matter. Girls are not whole, real people. Not like men are. The sole purpose of a girl is to grow into a woman and serve the needs of the men in her life. That's it. It's no wonder that the repeating tone of these continued sex abuse scandals from this culture are all the same - it doesn't matter what happens to girls, it doesn't matter how they feel about it. As long as they are virtuous virgins when they reach marriage and fully trained to serve their man then anything that they endured to get there is just more heavenly reward for their earthly suffering. (Actually. Do women get treasure in heaven? I don't think that they are allowed to. So scrap that. I guess they get jack shit for their suffering and victimization.) The overwhelming message that comes out with these seemingly unending sexual abuse stories is that anything that was actually done was always for the boy/man/perpetrator. The victims were silenced for his sake.
Maybe that's how god's forgiveness works - it only comes at the expense of how overlooked, silenced and oppressed the victims can be made?
Who am I to talk about this? Oh you know, just someone who spent a majority of my childhood in the same christian cult that the Duggars are in. Just someone who was victimized in much the same way as Josh Duggar's victims. Just someone who was told that forgiveness for being abused was mandatory. Someone that was never acknowledged or offered any healing outlets for the trauma that I experienced. Someone that was shown that my feelings about what I had experienced had no place to ever be discussed. Ever. (This is still true to this day.) Someone who was silenced. Someone who was a girl.
But, I am not silent anymore. I will speak my truth and tell my story. Something that I believe will never be offered to Josh Duggar's victims. There is no place in that culture for girls and their voices.
These conversations involve dress codes and the shaming message that they direct at girls (specifically). You may agree (or not) that dress codes are damaging, sexist and filled with messages to girls that their bodies are distracting to boys and in need of being policed by someone other than the girl herself... And then you add a 'but'. "Oh yes, I can clearly see that that is the message of dress codes. I agree with you, Hillary. But, there HAS to be some boundaries in place - girls still need to dress appropriately. I mean, I don't like to see these young girls with their butts hanging out of shorts. That is inappropriate."
Nope, nope, nope. You do not get to be the moral police and decide what is appropriate for anyone other than yourself. Period. That's it. Full stop.
Here's why.
If girls dressing according to someone's version of appropriate and modest is the last line of defense against boys/men victimizing them, then WHY IN THE WORLD/HOW IN THE HELL did Josh Duggar even want to molest the innocent victims that he perpetrated against?!?! After all, THEY ARE PERHAPS THE MOST MODESTLY DRESSED GIRLS/WOMEN/CULTURE IN ALL OF THE UNITED STATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know. I can hear your shock and surprise from here. "Hillary, you mean that their godly, modest, appropriate, biblically aligned garments did not stop someone from helping himself to their innocence and abusing them?" THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN!
Everyone can and should be free to choose their own wardrobe. Girls can and should be free to choose their own wardrobe. Girls are people, too. And they should be free to do this and not have to live in fear of being called names because of ignorant people's assumptions of what they may or may not do with their genitals solely based on their clothing choices.
I know, I know. I wish for an ideal world that's never going to happen. At least, not as long as religion rules people's logic. But, I can create an ideal world inside of my home for my offspring, and send them out to create ideal worlds wherever they land. So it's not all hopeless.
This is a long one. I appreciate you following along so far. :)
So, to recap:
1. First and foremost, sick perverts will victimize whomever they choose, regardless of what they are wearing. We CANNOT teach our girls that what they wear will assure their safety or victimization. That puts the responsibility of someone's despicable actions onto their innocent shoulders. That's gross and it MUST stop!
2. You do NOT get to police your fellow people's morals. You DO not. You do NOT! Stop it! No!
3. Parents can and absolutely should allow their children to dress themselves.
4. Parents can and absolutely should teach their sons impulse control and how to value girls (specifically, everyone in general) for more than their physical appearance. How do you accomplish this? By modeling it!
5. Parents can and absolutely should teach their daughters to value themselves way above and beyond their physical appearance. If they value themselves, they will automatically be drawn to relationships that place value on more than their physical appearance. They'll be empowered to take ownership of their own bodies and choices.
6. Parents can and absolutely HAVE to teach consent! And starting from a MUCH younger age than everyone thinks. I would venture that consent starts at the very beginning - with circumcision, piercing a tiny human's ears, cutting their hair, doing "to them" and not acknowledging that they are fully conscious and fully whole people. And then later - allowing them to choose their clothing/shoes, hairstyles/colours, when/if they hug someone in greeting. Respecting their autonomy from the very beginning will set them up for a lifetime of being empowered over their own personhood. (By the way, this is not at all how I parented when my offspring were young. It is how I have parented for the last 5 years or so. It is never too late to start fresh. When we know better, we have an obligation to do better - especially for our children.)
The message that the Duggar scandal is sending is one that I am all too familiar with. "God" unconditionally forgives the perpetrator and the victims remain voiceless and hidden, with no consideration afforded for their continued safety, well being and healing. In this christian cult culture, girls don't matter. Girls are not whole, real people. Not like men are. The sole purpose of a girl is to grow into a woman and serve the needs of the men in her life. That's it. It's no wonder that the repeating tone of these continued sex abuse scandals from this culture are all the same - it doesn't matter what happens to girls, it doesn't matter how they feel about it. As long as they are virtuous virgins when they reach marriage and fully trained to serve their man then anything that they endured to get there is just more heavenly reward for their earthly suffering. (Actually. Do women get treasure in heaven? I don't think that they are allowed to. So scrap that. I guess they get jack shit for their suffering and victimization.) The overwhelming message that comes out with these seemingly unending sexual abuse stories is that anything that was actually done was always for the boy/man/perpetrator. The victims were silenced for his sake.
Maybe that's how god's forgiveness works - it only comes at the expense of how overlooked, silenced and oppressed the victims can be made?
Who am I to talk about this? Oh you know, just someone who spent a majority of my childhood in the same christian cult that the Duggars are in. Just someone who was victimized in much the same way as Josh Duggar's victims. Just someone who was told that forgiveness for being abused was mandatory. Someone that was never acknowledged or offered any healing outlets for the trauma that I experienced. Someone that was shown that my feelings about what I had experienced had no place to ever be discussed. Ever. (This is still true to this day.) Someone who was silenced. Someone who was a girl.
But, I am not silent anymore. I will speak my truth and tell my story. Something that I believe will never be offered to Josh Duggar's victims. There is no place in that culture for girls and their voices.
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Here's to the Daughters on Mother's Day
For some of us Mother's Day presents an unwelcome, unavoidable obligation to reflect on how we were mothered and our current relationship with our mothers and ourselves because of it. Perhaps even, how we have ourselves mothered because of how we were mothered.
A mother's role in the lives of tiny humans, young children, young adult children and beyond is pivotal. Never have we been in a time in history where there has been so much science attached to the study and explanation of parent/child attachment. And so many in the mental health community echoing those studies as vital to the proper development of a tiny human into a healthy, well adjusted adult.
Some of us didn't get healthy mothering as tiny humans. Some of us have had to reinvent ourselves and work incredibly hard to learn how this affected us and what behaviours it still causes in our lives - be they healthy or not. This seems to be a lifelong exploration of oneself! (In my experience anyway.)
I came across this article on Facebook today and read through it twice. I can relate to much of what is written here. I'll leave you with it.
Here's to the daughters that weren't mothered. Here's to the women who work through unimaginable pain to discover what was lost to them. Here's to the mothers who bravely face the unknown depth of a void created for them, in hopes that their daughters can leave childhood more whole.
I am in this fight with you, right alongside you in the trenches of self-discovery. I salute you. We fight for our daughters, for all daughters, in the hopes that they never have to follow in these footsteps.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-mothers-day-taboo-when-mama-aint-so-great/
A mother's role in the lives of tiny humans, young children, young adult children and beyond is pivotal. Never have we been in a time in history where there has been so much science attached to the study and explanation of parent/child attachment. And so many in the mental health community echoing those studies as vital to the proper development of a tiny human into a healthy, well adjusted adult.
Some of us didn't get healthy mothering as tiny humans. Some of us have had to reinvent ourselves and work incredibly hard to learn how this affected us and what behaviours it still causes in our lives - be they healthy or not. This seems to be a lifelong exploration of oneself! (In my experience anyway.)
I came across this article on Facebook today and read through it twice. I can relate to much of what is written here. I'll leave you with it.
Here's to the daughters that weren't mothered. Here's to the women who work through unimaginable pain to discover what was lost to them. Here's to the mothers who bravely face the unknown depth of a void created for them, in hopes that their daughters can leave childhood more whole.
I am in this fight with you, right alongside you in the trenches of self-discovery. I salute you. We fight for our daughters, for all daughters, in the hopes that they never have to follow in these footsteps.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/05/the-mothers-day-taboo-when-mama-aint-so-great/
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