We are so sex-obsessed in this culture. And it's in all the wrong ways.
Here is a statement for you...
You child's virginity is none of your business.
How about this way?
Your child's virginity is NONE of your business.
I had a woman in my life some years ago who, anytime she was talking about her teenager humans, would make sure to brag that she had gotten all three through high school without incidents of alcohol, drugs or sex. Her attitude toward this whole theory baffled me. I always wondered how she knew that that was 100% accurate, for one thing, and also, why that seemed to be her #1 parenting goal. I hoped that when my humans reached teenagehood that my goals would be different, more centered on their personhood instead of meeting some socially mandated level of proof of morality. The experience with this woman has stayed in my mind for all these years and is tumbling around a lot lately. Maybe it's because mine have reached an age where this has faded from an unfocused event on the horizon to something that could be in sharp focus in their daily reality. A presented option. A suggested encounter. A real life holy-shit-am-I-ready-for-this moment. And I want them to be equipped to handle those moments.
I don't know exactly what that picture will look like when we are there and living it. I am assuming on my end there will be emotional devastation (that I am actually this old), copious amounts of chocolate consumption, leaning on my male counterpoint, propping up my male counterpoint and WHY THE HELL DO I NOT DRINK WINE! ;) What I do know is this -
My children's intact virginity is not a merit badge indicating my worth as a parent. I do not earn some sort of points or reward for "safeguarding" a hymen into "40 Year Old Virgin" territory.
Here is another statement for you...
Your child having a safe place, a non-judgemental, non-opinionated, non-reactionary, soft, fluffy, SAFE place to hear medically accurate, evidenced-based facts, IS your business. Interestingly enough, the only part that you can control begins and ends with you. It is THE only aspect that you can control.
You are responsible for creating that space for them. And it starts long before they experience pressure to be involved in sexual activity. And it starts with the tiniest, littlest everyday events that seem inconsequential, tedious and monotonous. It starts with trust. If you do not trust them, they will never trust you and, what's worse, they will not trust themselves. And themselves is the only constant companion they'll have for their entire lives.
If we shift from being singularly focused on "virginity" and instead broaden that focus to include happiness, safety, consent, maturity, bodily autonomy, ownership - now we've got a good conversation going. Now we've got a focus that will extend and carry them into adulthood and the rest of their lives and not end the conversation when they are no longer "virgins". Sexuality doesn't stop when contact is made between genitals. By focusing on virginity and that alone, we give the message that they are their virginity, and that virginity is innocence; that once it is gone and the choice has been made the conversation ceases and they are on their own. We do them a grave disservice with this mindset. Sexuality, sexual choices, sexual options will be part of all of our lives for as long as we have life. We should be equipping our children with the ability to make conscious choices, that are right for them, for the duration of their lives. Your child, and their morals, should not be an extension of your belief system and moral code. They are their own person.
Your child's virginity, as a singular topic, is none of your business. But your child's life, health, happiness and safety are.
